Tag Archives: transitions

Steady, steady on…

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The Fog from Potrero Hill

I had a pretty quiet weekend and start to the week as this period of transition continues. B & I had a roommate move out and a new roommate, M, arrive.  I’ve been cleaning and trying to organize the apartment like mad! We moved the studio and I think it’s much better now. The kitchen and bathroom are better. The common area needs a going over. As I clean, I notice a sense of ownership. This isn’t temporary – this is my space.

I’m also finally starting to get my room really set up. It’s been on hold since I moved in in June because I wanted to repair and paint over all the holes in the wall. At long last, this project is underway and 2 of the 4 walls are done. Hopefully by the end of the week, the painting will be done and I can hang shelves and art. I’m still looking for a dresser and a table and wondering how to proceed with the bed situation. AND there’s still all my stuff in CO… I would really like to have all my stuff in one place again. Oh, the lives of stuff… how you come and go!

Another transition taking place is Dr. M’s move to NYC. He has to drive down to LA tomorrow and will fly out from there. Things are really getting down to the wire for him and I’m happy I’ve gotten to see him as much as I have.

I’m doing alright with everything, but there are moments when I feel overwhelmed with unnameable, unmanageable fears.

In her book The Creative Habit, reknowned modern dance choreographer Twyla Tharp talks about fears. She advises getting specific – writing down the fears and then answering them head on. If they’re named, they’re manageable.

Here are my main fears:

1. I will be unable to make a liveable income as a freelance multi-disciplinary artist.
Answer: I’m just now starting out on this, so of course things are tenuous and tight. I just have to keep working and trying and figuring out what’s going to work for me. I have another source of income that’s also just getting settled and is still under adjustment. I need to embrace this time of transition to establish real plans and processes for my freelance work.

2. I’ve invested a lot of time and effort in San Francisco, but is it the right city for me? Am I really happy? Was this just a whim that I’m now stuck with living out?
Answer: The first year anywhere is always the hardest. At times I wish I had stayed in Japan longer simply because life would’ve been more settled and possibly fruitful after a year. SF has been incredibly rewarding and challenging in the 11 months I’ve been here. I’m building my community, but I’m still just getting started. And yes, I think I am happy here. This city is so vibrant and has so much to offer. I have friends and people who care for me. I have plans for this city. It was more than just a whim that sent me here. I could’ve picked any direction, any city, in the States, but I chose SF because it most felt like ME. I’m still discovering it, but I there’s a place for me here.

3. Am I going to be able to dance again?
Answer: My back is still recovering. I haven’t even really been on a break for a month. I HAVE to ease back into dance. And B and I have plans for a dance for camera. Dance and I aren’t through, we’re just reevaluating our approach.

4. Dr. M and I will be unable to sustain a long distance relationship.
Answer: All we can do is try. We’re kind to each other. I think we’ll find a way to make this work.

Ms. Tharp writes, “In those long and sleepless nights when I’m unable to shake my fears sufficiently, I borrow a biblical epigraph from Dostoyevsky’s The Demons: I see my fears being cast into the bodies of wild boars and hogs, and I watch them rush to a cliff where they fall to their deaths. It’s a little more extreme than counting sheep, but it’s far more effective for me.”

Getting to the heart of it: Why do I love to do ridiculous, impossible things?

Why did I move to San Francisco to struggle with art, money, independence? Why do I look at a perfectly good cream colored wall in a rented apartment and decide to paint it red? Why did I decide to date and fall in love with a man who I knew from the out set would be moving across the country?

Just as naming the fears makes them manageable, in the very questions lie the answers.

I moved to San Francisco to grapple with art, money, independence – to establish myself.

So what if the wall is in a rented apartment? It NEEDS to be red – it told me so. It will be more satisfied and satisfactory, if it is red. And it can always become cream again. That’s why paint is awesome.

And yes, I decided to date and fall in love with a man who I knew from the out set would be moving across the country. I must really trust our relationship to take it moment by moment, day by day, into the unknown.

For me, being an artist means listening. So now, I listen carefully, and beneath the trembling and dashing to and fro of my animal mind, my heart is calm. It says, steady, steady on… And I remember that my life story will look like no one else’s. I can look to friends, family, and artists who are making it, but in the end, it is MY story to unfold as it will.

And on that note: My Etsy shop is up and featuring my first generation of fabric cuff bracelets. Check it out!

A Creature of Habit

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When confronted with a sudden onslaught of change (“when it rains, it pours”), and sometimes ensuing angst, I predictably do one, some, or all of the following things:

1. Call a friend for a good “talkin’ it out” session.

I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time. I always feel better after getting it off my chest, getting out of my head, getting some release. Sometimes just being able to tell someone, “I’m struggling” is huge. Thanks to MB for listening this morning.

2. Cut my hair.

I’ve been cutting my own hair since my second year of college. It’s been really short since high school and usually needs trimming once a month at least. A good buzz cut is so therapeutic. The fauxhawk/emo bang I have these days offer a bit more a challenge… Hopefully I didn’t hack off too much today…  I guess it’s a work in progress…

3. Go for a hike in the woods.

This has been a major challenge in San Francisco. I was spoiled by growing up in Colorado, where the escape of wilderness was usually, sometimes literally, right outside my front door. Even living in Japan, a 5 minute bike ride could offer sweeping rice paddies and mountains on all sides. Here, getting to the “great outdoors” seems a bit more of a production. More so being car-less (no excuse, really, I KNOW, but there is the time constraint with a major bike ride). When I was living in the Castro, Buena Vista Park and Corona Heights Park offered excellent hikes for musing and get windswept. I hadn’t yet found that anywhere near my new apartment.

Yesterday, feeling the pressing need for escape, trees, physical exercise – to let my body do some of the thinking instead of my tired brain – I went for a walk, heading towards Potrero Hill, my closest “mountain,” determined for a climb! It took a bit of wandering to get there, and the discovery was worth it!

McKinley Square Park, perched on top of Potrero Hill, is officially my new favorite spot! You have to climb both stairs and a craggy hillside to get there. The pines and sandy dirt reminded me of Boulder. A father and daughter attempted kite flying in the small field next to the perfect playground. The views were utterly spectacular. My favorite part was discovering the Potrero Hill Community Garden. Steeped in a long history, and packed with overflowing plots. I wandered the paths and was comforted by the faces of friends: sunflowers, poppies, succulents, tomatoes, grasses, vines. I breathed in sunshine and was buffeted by the wind. I could smell the sea.

Oh, I’ll be going back there… it’s good to know that in my still newish neighborhood, comfort is nearby.

I’m curious to know what things other people do to ease stress, times of transition, and overwhelming worry. Do they too fall back on the reliefs they’ve used before? Is it possible to try new ones?

Transitions

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A year ago, I was starting a major transition in my life. I was living in Japan, getting ready for a trip to Thailand before my move back to the United States. In September 2009, I moved to San Francisco to pursue dance as my professional career.

Now, almost August 2010 and a year anniversary with San Francisco fast approaching, I am in the midst of another transition. I’m on a break from dancing to heal a chronic lower back condition. I have quit one of my part time jobs to the tune:

“I am an artist! It’s time to LIVE it. BE what I am, what I feel I’ve been training for my whole life. No longer will I put art in the background as a ‘hobby,’ I want it to be my way of life. I want to be a professional artist.”

I have lots of ideas of how to make that happen, but I’m not going to lie: I’m a little nervous.

The week following my last day at the little shop where I was working has actually been incredibly stressful. This isn’t vacation. Now I start working for myself and that means working harder than ever. It’s a time of true dedication and discipline.

One of the tasks I’ve set up for myself is the reconstruction of this website, and in general my entire online presence. This too feels scarier than it should. I have to remind myself that it’s not complete reinvention, it’s the process of continuing to discover who I want to be, who I am, and how I present myself and interact with the world.

I’ve been online apart of various communities since high school, yet sometimes I feel very lost in a cloud of my own creation. But as I grow up, it’s important to remember that life, and the Internet, is an experiment. So my LiveJournal account is almost 9 years old – if it’s no longer really reflecting me, then it’s time to try something new! If I’m unhappy with Facebook, what I can I do to make it work for me? Online social etworks are a tool and they should work for me, not feel like they’re taking over my life. I want to present my creative life in a manner that is professional, focused, but still ME: down to earth, quirky, rambling, poetic, vibrant, dancing through life in various ways and mediums…

I’ve always loved writing, journaling, drawing, moving, photography, art, poetry… so many forms and ways of expressions. Instead of trying to define and categorize them, this next step in my Internet experiment is to simply showcase each project as they are born and develop. Blog and portfolio, growing together.

As always, this is first and foremost for my family and family of friends, to share my life with them across distances.