My family wasn’t poor when I was growing up. But lately I’ve been realizing that there’s this image in my head of what “well off” looks like. Big house, lots of fancy cars… gee, this sounds like Colorado Springs suburbia. And growing up, I could see that my family had a different way of living. As my Mom and I talked about today, my parents were more interested in investing in experiences, vs. material things. Thus why I got to go to the symphony, take art classes, go on long road trips… And my childhood was without want.

Why is that image still in my head then, of what the home of a “well to do” family, looks like? Where did it come from? A TV show? Magazines? What does society tell us “wealth” looks like? Google image search “perfect home” and look at what comes up. Words I would use: big, swimming pools, giant yards, large TVs…

My childhood and my life experiences contradict those images. Do other people struggle with similar images? I wonder what we’re all striving towards. I think most of us would like to live simply, without worry. I know that’s how I feel right now. And actually, having less IS teaching me to live simply. Now I just need to work on the “without worry” bit. But that’s where the plan of action + state of mind come into play.

What I was really trying to say in my last post was that my parents taught me through example what I think is the right way to be well off: frugally. I’m having to really practice what I’ve learned now and it’s harder than it looks. My Mom told me today about how when she was my age, she struggled financially too. That made me feel a lot better.

Above all, my current situation is teaching me to clarify my needs and my wants, what it means to be “poor,” how important my parents have been in teaching me how to live, and how to be financially smart. I’m glad so many good conversations have come from me writing about it.

Also, Flickr!

ALSO, today, my chiropractor told me that my back is stable and I can start ramping up my exercise towards dancing again! Huzzah!

The not so good news: If only I could afford dance classes! But I’m on the hunt for more work and am hopeful. Things might be tight financially, but my life is rich in so many other ways.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to “be poor.” I have a childhood memory of standing in my parents’ bedroom, in front of my Dad’s tall, dark wood dresser, and asking, “Daddy, are we poor?” I don’t really remember why I asked. Maybe I was beginning to notice things like my Mom writing down every expense, or how some of my friends’ houses were a lot bigger than ours… I don’t remember feeling ashamed of this idea of “being poor” – I was just curious as to what it meant. I think Dad said something like, “No, but maybe we’re lower middle class.” Which kind of makes me laugh, now.

Now that I know more about the world, I realize what a privileged childhood I had and what amazing parents I have. I’ve always been in awe of how they paid for my education. I often ask myself, “How did they do it?” I’m not totally certain, but I’m pretty sure they’re not rolling in dough. What I think now is: they were careful.

I’m trying to be careful. Trying my darnedest by darning my socks and hoarding quarters for laundry. I budget. I make art and crafts to sell. I don’t have a car (thank goodness). I keep track of my debt because I WILL pay it off.

And I really don’t think I’m POOR. I see too many people on the streets of this city every day to even joke about it. But sometimes I look at my bank account and feel poor. Like most things in life, is “wealth” a state of mind? Money seems so concrete. And I don’t want to be RICH. I’d just like to get by – pay bills and buy groceries. And I realize now how much I’ve wasted on ridiculous things, or buying too much, when I didn’t need to – when I wasn’t so worried about money. Hindsight, you know… But hopefully the challenge is teaching me some very important lessons. And I can embrace a good challenge, right? Like my friend MB said recently, we yearn for stability, but there’s a lot to be said for embracing chaos.

No one likes talking about money, and I feel like that’s all I’ve been talking about lately with folks. I know I’ve been worrying about it a lot lately. But I’m also trying to not get depressed. Asking for help helps. And knowing that I’m driven and will figure it out somehow.

And remembering how much I do have. All the ways I am rich: family, friends, health, creativity, and this city. Oh, this city… I’m glad I’m here!

my first open mic
performance in SF:
Viracocha wordparty
treasures abound in this
dragon’s underground lair

friends and family
bound by poetry
and this city

rollin’ rollin’
runnin’ runnin’

by bus
by bike

searchin’ searchin’
for
balance

bizarre day, really
string of events
threads of coincidence

experimental life
lookin’
leapin’

how do I put it all together?
how do I make my ends
meet?
my spirals intertwine?
my passions unite?

not unravel?

how to be a

successful

focused

Renaissance

woman?

what’s it all mean?

cake and bass
sea cats and beer

typewriter jazz

deep breaths
laughter
talk

words
words
and
quiet

good night!

When confronted with a sudden onslaught of change (“when it rains, it pours”), and sometimes ensuing angst, I predictably do one, some, or all of the following things:

1. Call a friend for a good “talkin’ it out” session.

I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time. I always feel better after getting it off my chest, getting out of my head, getting some release. Sometimes just being able to tell someone, “I’m struggling” is huge. Thanks to MB for listening this morning.

2. Cut my hair.

I’ve been cutting my own hair since my second year of college. It’s been really short since high school and usually needs trimming once a month at least. A good buzz cut is so therapeutic. The fauxhawk/emo bang I have these days offer a bit more a challenge… Hopefully I didn’t hack off too much today…  I guess it’s a work in progress…

3. Go for a hike in the woods.

This has been a major challenge in San Francisco. I was spoiled by growing up in Colorado, where the escape of wilderness was usually, sometimes literally, right outside my front door. Even living in Japan, a 5 minute bike ride could offer sweeping rice paddies and mountains on all sides. Here, getting to the “great outdoors” seems a bit more of a production. More so being car-less (no excuse, really, I KNOW, but there is the time constraint with a major bike ride). When I was living in the Castro, Buena Vista Park and Corona Heights Park offered excellent hikes for musing and get windswept. I hadn’t yet found that anywhere near my new apartment.

Yesterday, feeling the pressing need for escape, trees, physical exercise – to let my body do some of the thinking instead of my tired brain – I went for a walk, heading towards Potrero Hill, my closest “mountain,” determined for a climb! It took a bit of wandering to get there, and the discovery was worth it!

McKinley Square Park, perched on top of Potrero Hill, is officially my new favorite spot! You have to climb both stairs and a craggy hillside to get there. The pines and sandy dirt reminded me of Boulder. A father and daughter attempted kite flying in the small field next to the perfect playground. The views were utterly spectacular. My favorite part was discovering the Potrero Hill Community Garden. Steeped in a long history, and packed with overflowing plots. I wandered the paths and was comforted by the faces of friends: sunflowers, poppies, succulents, tomatoes, grasses, vines. I breathed in sunshine and was buffeted by the wind. I could smell the sea.

Oh, I’ll be going back there… it’s good to know that in my still newish neighborhood, comfort is nearby.

I’m curious to know what things other people do to ease stress, times of transition, and overwhelming worry. Do they too fall back on the reliefs they’ve used before? Is it possible to try new ones?