The Fog from Potrero Hill

I had a pretty quiet weekend and start to the week as this period of transition continues. B & I had a roommate move out and a new roommate, M, arrive.  I’ve been cleaning and trying to organize the apartment like mad! We moved the studio and I think it’s much better now. The kitchen and bathroom are better. The common area needs a going over. As I clean, I notice a sense of ownership. This isn’t temporary – this is my space.

I’m also finally starting to get my room really set up. It’s been on hold since I moved in in June because I wanted to repair and paint over all the holes in the wall. At long last, this project is underway and 2 of the 4 walls are done. Hopefully by the end of the week, the painting will be done and I can hang shelves and art. I’m still looking for a dresser and a table and wondering how to proceed with the bed situation. AND there’s still all my stuff in CO… I would really like to have all my stuff in one place again. Oh, the lives of stuff… how you come and go!

Another transition taking place is Dr. M’s move to NYC. He has to drive down to LA tomorrow and will fly out from there. Things are really getting down to the wire for him and I’m happy I’ve gotten to see him as much as I have.

I’m doing alright with everything, but there are moments when I feel overwhelmed with unnameable, unmanageable fears.

In her book The Creative Habit, reknowned modern dance choreographer Twyla Tharp talks about fears. She advises getting specific – writing down the fears and then answering them head on. If they’re named, they’re manageable.

Here are my main fears:

1. I will be unable to make a liveable income as a freelance multi-disciplinary artist.
Answer: I’m just now starting out on this, so of course things are tenuous and tight. I just have to keep working and trying and figuring out what’s going to work for me. I have another source of income that’s also just getting settled and is still under adjustment. I need to embrace this time of transition to establish real plans and processes for my freelance work.

2. I’ve invested a lot of time and effort in San Francisco, but is it the right city for me? Am I really happy? Was this just a whim that I’m now stuck with living out?
Answer: The first year anywhere is always the hardest. At times I wish I had stayed in Japan longer simply because life would’ve been more settled and possibly fruitful after a year. SF has been incredibly rewarding and challenging in the 11 months I’ve been here. I’m building my community, but I’m still just getting started. And yes, I think I am happy here. This city is so vibrant and has so much to offer. I have friends and people who care for me. I have plans for this city. It was more than just a whim that sent me here. I could’ve picked any direction, any city, in the States, but I chose SF because it most felt like ME. I’m still discovering it, but I there’s a place for me here.

3. Am I going to be able to dance again?
Answer: My back is still recovering. I haven’t even really been on a break for a month. I HAVE to ease back into dance. And B and I have plans for a dance for camera. Dance and I aren’t through, we’re just reevaluating our approach.

4. Dr. M and I will be unable to sustain a long distance relationship.
Answer: All we can do is try. We’re kind to each other. I think we’ll find a way to make this work.

Ms. Tharp writes, “In those long and sleepless nights when I’m unable to shake my fears sufficiently, I borrow a biblical epigraph from Dostoyevsky’s The Demons: I see my fears being cast into the bodies of wild boars and hogs, and I watch them rush to a cliff where they fall to their deaths. It’s a little more extreme than counting sheep, but it’s far more effective for me.”

Getting to the heart of it: Why do I love to do ridiculous, impossible things?

Why did I move to San Francisco to struggle with art, money, independence? Why do I look at a perfectly good cream colored wall in a rented apartment and decide to paint it red? Why did I decide to date and fall in love with a man who I knew from the out set would be moving across the country?

Just as naming the fears makes them manageable, in the very questions lie the answers.

I moved to San Francisco to grapple with art, money, independence – to establish myself.

So what if the wall is in a rented apartment? It NEEDS to be red – it told me so. It will be more satisfied and satisfactory, if it is red. And it can always become cream again. That’s why paint is awesome.

And yes, I decided to date and fall in love with a man who I knew from the out set would be moving across the country. I must really trust our relationship to take it moment by moment, day by day, into the unknown.

For me, being an artist means listening. So now, I listen carefully, and beneath the trembling and dashing to and fro of my animal mind, my heart is calm. It says, steady, steady on… And I remember that my life story will look like no one else’s. I can look to friends, family, and artists who are making it, but in the end, it is MY story to unfold as it will.

And on that note: My Etsy shop is up and featuring my first generation of fabric cuff bracelets. Check it out!